I swear to God, L makes me so angry sometimes. She has this annoying habit of barging into my room at least three times a day, each moment even more inopportune than the one before. She touches my face whenever she wants, bursts into song when I have music playing; everything she does infuriates me, yet I’m with her practically 24/7.
The reason I bring this up is because my daddy ordered me to clean my room and in the process, I found an old document (actually just a sheet of printer paper with crappy cursive written in pen) that she gave me a couple of years ago. It is one of the funniest things I have ever read and I thought I’d share that. Before I write it down, though, I would like to add some points of clarification. One, L’s name is actually Beverly. I used the letter L to refer to her because her nickname in our family is Lilianne. Second, she used to own a netbook, which is tiny in comparison to a laptop. Third, her room was constructed last minute for our cousin, who stayed a year then moved out, which is when L moved into that room. It’s a tiny room. It’s about the same size as our bathroom and we often make fun of her for it. And fourth, she is as obsessive over books as I am. Okay, here you go:
Will – Thursday, July 7, 2011 Las Vegas, Nevada
If you are reading this then that means I am dead. I am so extremely sorry for your loss.
I would like to take this time to distribute my belongings among my survivors [followers]. I shall leave my precious Ipod to whoever did not make fun of my room or netbook. Good luck finding that person. On that subject, I shall leave my netbook to the highest bidder. The money that comes of this shall be used for the Beverly Chavez Scholarship. Just a treat a guess. My books shall all go to, unfortunately, Diane, because she’s the only one I trust with them. If I own anything else, sell it & put it in with the scholarship. Give the money I have in the bank to some African kids. I would also like to leave my husband/boyfriend/partner/father of my children (whichever applies) in charge of my architectural firm & all the stocks I have in the market. Be wise with the billions of dollars I am leaving you.
Forgive me if I did not leave you anything. It was for the greater good (so don’t be complaining Cynthia, Julio, and Diane, since I know how corrupt & selfish you lot are.)
I know you all loved me even thought it wasn’t mutual.
Goodbye, Beverly Chavez.
[continued on back]
hello, is it me you’re looking for? I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your heart. Oh my good golly gosh, I am so completely bored. I have absolutely nothing to do. I mean, I can practically feel myself gaining weight.